My regrets

Have been long since i really write. Many things happened lately, and i'm getting exhausted inside and out. I can't sleep well every night. My heart hurts like mad. My tears cannot stop flowing. I'm losing all my hair soon and my eyes look like some puff candies. Sigh. I feel so wronged towards the little bub growing inside me. I feel like i'm not a good mother at all, and maybe i'll never be one. I feel like i'm such a disappointment to everyone. I don't deserve to live and continue to be a heart wrecker. People suffer when they are with me. Their lives are made harder because of me.

During the day, i worried myself with the piles of assignment sitting on my table. The big book of wastewater enticing me to complete my stupid crap WWTP design asap. The pile of literatures warrant me to quickly quickly finish up before the next assignment comes. I love my studies. I love what i'm doing. In fact, i probably love them more than i should, i'm turning into a workholic or a studyholic (if this word even exists) working from the morning to 4am the next morning. I can't even shut my eyes for more than 6 hours without thinking or having weird dreams. Despite this, baby, i hope you are finding enough rest and comfort inside me. He has been so sweet, not causing any trouble or problem as i was working.

Last night as i was sitting alone in the dark living room, i wrote two pages long letter to God or rather 50-50 coz miraculously half of it seems to be what God was saying. I realised so many things. Things that are relatively easy but due to the poor roots and soils i've grown in, i do things the way i didn't even realise has hurt many many others and despised myself from this society. My heart sank to the bottom, i really felt like ending my own life assuring myself everyone's life would be better off without me. But i was hessitant, because little Ya Ya deserves that chance of living his life to the fullest extent and i am in no position or right to take that away from him. My only prayer now is that he will come into this world and grow up a different and much better person, unlike his mom. 

Ya Ya is my aspiration to change and come in terms with the realisations i have made last night with God. I really want to be the best i could for him, no matter what the future and today holds. I want to do things differently, leave the past behind, learn from them and strive hard to raise my little bud.

DO POT DO POT DO POT DO POT!

Baby's heartbeat is 162 per minute today, increased from 150 last week! Was he sleeping last week? Or was he excited that doctor's gonna check on him today? LOL. Doctor said he has stretched to the middle, was on the right side of the uterus 4 weeks ago, gosh, my baby has grown so much!

Praise God for everything! 

I am expecting!

Hehe. Yes i am expecting! It feels so surreal honestly. The fact that someone little is growing inside me, but i am not feeling anything. People say i'm very blessed. No morning sickness, no nauseas, no vomiting, no nothing! In fact i've gained 6kgs throughout the 15 weeks (yes little Ya ya is 15 weeks now! :-)) and my appetite is monstrous. Not like i can eat the whole cow in one meal, but i get hungry every now and then, despite that steak or cottage pie for lunch. The interesting part is, i still look like i haven't gained any weight (can't really see the baby bump yet), but weight is pilling up and trousers can't button up (though can wear without buttoning) anymore. The midwife told me it's normal to gain 11-16kgs till the baby is born, n i've already gained 6kgs???!!

I get lots of question from people around, and today i just feel like noting them down. I haven't announced my pregnancy publicly, but words just spread around huh? All you have to do is just tell one person, n the whole class will know. LOL. So here goes:

1) When did u realise you were pregnant?

To be honest, i wasn't expecting i was going to be, in fact, i even prepared enough sanitary pads for my period! It was supposed to come on Chinese New Year, which was the 23rd Jan 2012. But it didn't come. One week passed. Then the second week. Still no sign of it although i had some period cramps. My period has always been constant and late means something. Told my mom-in-law (wasn't speaking to hub coz we had a big fight) and she got a pregnancy kit test for me from the hospital. Test result: two pink lines (positive). To cut short, i guess i found out i was pregnant in early feb. 

2) Did you have any symptoms?

Yes i do. But not sickness and nausea (am feeling healthy as ever). My boobs have changed, nipples grew bigger and darker and my old bras cannot fit anymore. I had some preference over certain foods at the very early stage. The weirdest part is these foods are not my favourite at all! I don't eat noodles, but i craved for them so hub brought me to this restaurant in Beijing which is supposedly famous for 'Zha Jiang Mian' and i gobbled up the whole big bowl of noodles! LOL. And then i craved for pizzas and cheeses. Then milk tea and weird stuff. It changes every week! Nevertheless the amazing part is, I can't take coffee now anymore, not because i can't, but i hate them! Yuck, i never knew coffee smells and tastes that bad! Honestly, before i knew i was expecting, i drank my usual cup of coffee in the morning, n it took sooooo long to finish, i had to threw half cup away. LOL. Pregnancy opens my eyes to things i have never seen before. And of course, i had those menstrual like cramps (which they say is normal) and dizziness when the sun is too bright or i'm hungry! Guess what, sweet stuff (biscuits etc) doesn't work for me when my tummy is growling, i need to have meat or savoury items. My hub calls me a meat eater! And ya, toilet visits are more frequent now (at least one every night!).

3) Were your hub and family happy when they knew?

Yes they are; my hub was repeating 'ta du po la' every morning since i was pregnant (like he couldn't believe he's going to be a dad after 3 years!) and he has been feeding me very well! My in laws and parents were overjoyed at the news of being grandparents; feeding me with constant advices and warnings. My dad told me he couldn't believe how time flies; once his baby girl with little hair holding a chrysanthemum drink and now going to be a mother! 

4) How many checkups/ultrasounds have you been and how often do you go for review?

So far i've been to one ultrasound only. I found out i was pregnant in Beijing, but only at Week 9 i went to see a doctor i.e. after returning to Melbourne. Did the first trimester screening and test in Week 10 and 12, and everything came out normal and healthy except my Vitamin D level, which the doctor said is quite bad. LOL. Other than tat, risks of abnormality, chromosome defects, down syndrome etc were low. 

I don't have to go for review very often, in fact i don't have to visit the doctor until Week 21 which is after my 2nd ultrasound. 

5) Any preference over the gender? girl or boy?

From the first ultrasound, the doctor said the baby is very likely to be a boy. I have no preference myself; girl or boy as long as the baby is healthy. My hub though, was a bit disappointed, coz he was expecting twins (dunno where he got the idea that i may have twins) but he was still happy having a little boy. My mom in law wanted a girl as a start, coz daughters are more obedient n 'ku jia'. I guess the happiest person is my dad in law, who prefers a son coz then someone can carry on the family name! My dad was delighted; guess after having three daughters, a boy is nice change. LOL. The gender can only be confirmed after my 2nd ultrasound which is 5 weeks from now.

6) Got yourself any maternity clothes? Guess you need some soon?

Yes i have a number of maternity clothes hiding in the unopened luggage. Thanks to my kiasuness, i spent my time shopping for maternity and certain baby items when i was in Beijing. 

7) Have you bought any baby clothes and stuff? Or are you getting ready to?

I have a big bag of baby clothings, all thanks to my mom in law who already started buying one and a half years ago. Half girl apparels and half boy. I was looking at the clothes the other day, and there were some pink ones which I decided were a bit girly but hub thought they were fine (lol, he even asked on Facebook). So, don't laugh if u see my son in pink. Still haven't got baby cot, pram, baby carseat, breast pump etc.

8) What do you feel being a mom soon?

Terrified! But i'm enjoying the fact that i am going to see and raise my own child soon! For now, all i ask is a smooth delivery and a healthy baby! 

9) Any names planned for the baby?

I am not going to reveal his name until after he's born. But at the meantime, i will refer him as Little Ya Ya! 

10) When's the baby's due date?

According to ultrasound and last menstrual date, it's the 28th September. My midwife decided it should be the 29th, coz i have a 30-day cycle. Hub wants me to tahan till the 1st Oct (which is his b'day!) and  he has been telling baby to stay in mommy for extra 3 days! LOL.

A simple Korean meal

Hubby has been going outstation for the last couple of weeks, n that means i was (and still am) home alone. Though it wasn't the first time he had to leave for work, i have to admit i still find it difficult to sleep well without him. I didn't realise this until the other day, a friend of mine mentioned how she couldn't sleep when her hub is away; and i realised i had the same problem! Lol.

And of course, apart from sleeping, i find cooking hard. Cooking for one, or rather for myself, is not something i am keen of, particularly when i have to wash, chop, cook, n wash; all for the sake of feeding myself. And it gives me headache just thinking of what i should eat; can't just have meat or vege dish alone; what's for starch or if  wat i'm about to cook is healthy enough as a meal.

I cooked this korean style stir fry beef the other day for lunch, and i thought it was a masterpiece. LOL. Not only was it easy, it was packed with colourful nutritious vegetables (i added carrots, red, green capsicums and onions) and the taste was superb! The beef was marinated with the korean spicy pepper sauce (sorry i don't know the name in korean) which i bought from a korean store just up the road.

And it goes well with rice of course! A simple and decent meal which now makes cooking-for-one less troublesome for me. Just fry the marinated beef with onions and carrots till cooked and soft before finally adding the capsicum and ta-da!!, u now have a  proper meal.

Easter is coming in less than 3 weeks time, n i am pampering myself with lots of chocolate hot cross buns which i now find myself addicted to, to the point which i can't resist at least two a day! Now, how am i going to keep fit? LOL.

I'm back!

Hihi. Still there?

Yeah. I'm finally back to 'Got Facebook' land with extra many kilos and a rounder ass. LOL. No piece of summer for me except the very day i arrived, which almost got me roasted. Weather in Melbourne is so unpredictable; summer in the morning, autumn/spring at mid noon, and winter at night. Nevertheless, the quality of the air is sooo sooo good; i felt as if i had been deprived of fresh air, i couldn't stop breathing as much as i could the moment i got back here.

Beijing has been treating me well (which explains the extra kgs) but i find myself over pampered  by the comfort and shelter that i received in that city. I find myself no longer able to fight or even surviving in the big metropolitan with the population of the whole Australia. Maybe intimidation has gotten over me. Yeah. Am glad to be back here. HEHE.

60 cupcakes of 4 different flavors in the shape of the number 60 and three tiramisus in between.

Didn't do much baking for the last couple of months, except my dad in law's 60th birthday cupcakes. I didn't have a proper big baking tin back in Beijing that could cater for 30 people, so i decided to make cupcakes instead. 60 cupcakes for a 60th birthday. I had to keep them simple as well due to lack of tools and piping instruments; hence the rather amateur but i guess still a proper birthday presentation?

Airport

Sigh i am bored. My flight is in 3 hours, n the check-in counter is not open. To think that i woke up at 5am, walked 500m uphill out tagging a 18kg baggage with three hand carries to catch the bus at 7.05am by myself, n arrived at the international departure gate 15 mins before 8am makes me feel thankful. Thank God it didn't rain although the sky looked as if it was about to cry (and still does). Thank God for protecting, and always putting things in order when i needed that perfection. Thank God thank God thank God! even for this cup of worst coffee in Melbourne. 

Weather has been so gloomy in Melbourne for the last couple of days since hub's departure, n i wondered where summer has gone? Hiding elsewhere? Or did i bring back that piece of winter from Beijing?  

Anyways, please bless my flight later. More than 14 hours of flight, stopping at Shanghai for an hour and reaching Beijing at 10.35pm (1.35am Melbourne time). I can't wait to see hubby! 

Chaos.. going to get my Bailey's liqueur now. 

I'm flying back to winter again

Here I am. Returned to Melbourne a week ago, n catching another flight back to Beijing tomorrow morning. LOL. Seems like i'll be spending the rest of Jan and most of Feb in BJ. :-) Excited coz i'll be celebrating CNY with family n maybe flying home to KK (crossing my fingers)! Paranoid coz i'm not sure what's gonna happen next n i do do appreciate all your prayers for my in laws n hub. 

Sayonara, no more Facebook, blogging, sunshine n warmth for the rest of my summer hols. But then again, i love winter (makes my skin smooth n fair, lol)  n oooooooooo, foot massage!

At the meantime, Gong XI Gong XI! n Eat more kiu nyuk for me.