I'm listening to You'll Never Walk Alone by Point of Grace again. The song never fails to sink deeply into my heart and assure me that God is always with me, regardless of whatever mistakes i've committed in the past. Regardless of where i am in the world right now, no matter what had happened, no matter what time it is, or how deep my troubles are because He will be there with me faithfully and right beside me all the way. He'll be down there every road.
What is life? When we were young, we were so pampered and well taken care of that we do not realise how cruel the world is. How polluted the community, and how scary it is to be there outside. Sometimes i wish i never have to grow up, i never have to leave home, or make my own decisions, or that life is naive all the days.
That's life. People come and go, there'll be roses and thorns, sunshine and rain, and ups and downs. Everyone has to grow up to the stage where they are given choices, choices which will either make the rest of their lives for better or for worse and when they have made them, they are prone to the consequences and results.
I have learnt a great deal of lessons as i walked into my 25th year on planet Earth. When i sat down this morning to reflect on my life, regrets just filled my heart and i couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks, the superexceeding sins i've commited and the billions of slashes i've inflicted on my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. I'm sorry, deeply sorry for how i've turned myself to be.
I was born with pride and full love. My parents called me the miracle baby because i managed to survive a life threatening disease (back then) when i was two. I grew up getting admirations and praises from people around, because i have a pair of big eyes and chubby round face, until i started to wear glasses. God gave me the ability to achieve everything almost easily ever since young, whether in terms of academic, desires and intangible things. And the spoilt child me, ended taking things for granted, and being thankful is one of the spirituality i lacked. I became arrogant and proud, always assuming myself better than others but deep inside self inferiority was begining to set its root. Having all the praises like 'you're beautiful, you're smart, etc etc and suddenly growing up to ' ah, you have four eyes' and 'what happened to your face?' suppressed my self esteem even more to the point today, i'm still fighting hard against inferiority. (Not specifically the case here, but an example). Surprisingly, i pretended to be 'okay' because i'm too proud. Continuous self pretentious really makes my life hard, it's like suffocating. I begin to hide a lot of things inside, my own feelings and thoughts, and most of the times, i'm not being honest with God, myself and others. Just to please others, or give them the impression that i'm normal when i'm not. Haha, i find it soo ridiculous sometimes, when i see myself so complicated.
Yes, complicated. The best word to describe me. But i'm tired now. I'm dying of exhaustion, torn and weary. I want to be normal. Forget about everything and just be myself. Who i am deep inside, because God has made me the joyous woman i know deep down. I want to restart again, because i know although i may have wasted the last 25 years, i still have another maybe 40 or more years to build a beautiful and strong life in God. The joy of the Lord is my strength, always will be........
I want to feel the sunshine everyday and tell God how lovely it is. I want to thank Him for giving me everything, from the daily bread to the last piece of thing that i hardly even use. I thank Him for Hub, for showing me how life can be much better and showering me with lotsa love and care. I thank Him for mom and dad for their continuous support, prayers and blessings. I thank Him for my most wonderful set of parents in law for their gracious care and warmest treatment. For making me feel most comfortable like my own home, for buying an oven and getting it ready so that i can bake, for paying all the ingredients and stuff, for ensuring my favourite foods are always available at home or laid on the table during meal times, for warming me up so that i don't feel cold, for hugging me and showering me with more love when i miss home, for comforting me when i'm down, the list is never ending, i can't thank Hub and my parents in laws enough for everything. How many ladies can have such a nice in laws like i do? I'm a woman with many blessings.
This is my story. I will fight for the better so that when i reach the line one day, i can write a happy ending for my story.
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